I'm not sure where to post this or even if it's appropriate but since it involves the application of what I've learned through Elan's teachings I'll put this out here.
I find myself in an ongoing situation that I would not have asked to be in, but I sense a higher purpose at work and see it as one of those times my higher self (total Self) is orchestrating. It is so complex I will need to leave out many details and just give the bare bones of it here, so bear with me.
About three years ago my next door neighbor asked for help with paying for a prescription she needed as she had lost her insurance and had no money. I agreed, but little did I know that it would turn into a convoluted series of events that continues to this day. She is disabled with mental and physical health issues and a rather checkered past, but she is a human being and I realize all things being equal it was my choice to help or not. That was just the beginning of a journey filled with challenges, opportunities, many instances of agony and so far, red light synchronicity.
Many levels and realities were at play, it soon became evident.
Dealing with faceless agencies and their representatives became an ordeal of such proportion it felt as though the universe itself was conspiring to destroy everything in its path. I know the universe has my back and all things, even seeming negative ones are for an ultimate good, but I wasn't seeing it, wasn't feeling it. Time to look at some beliefs.
I create my own reality as she is the creator of hers and it seemed as though she was unconsciously hell bent on exploring the depths of lack and limitation facing homelessness, destitution and literally life threatening health situations. My own situation was dark as I continued to choose to help to the best of my ability but continued to see no resolution either immediate or even on the horizon. I did not prefer this at all.
I can see how I have attracted this situation in order to learn from it, and circumstances are neutral and I assign the meaning but it's been taking some self reflection to get there.
The matter of helping her financially became a moral wrangling and I resented being put into a position where I felt extorted by state and federal agencies and I was to be the arbiter of life and death in a very literal sense. I am retired and I watch in real time as my life savings dwindle. I look at the whole responsible for and responsible to issue and it is brought into clear focus...I question my sanity as I wonder if I should ever have chosen to help her at all, and always striving to do 'the right thing' as I decide it to be, I decide that I will. I choose that I will knowing somehow everything will work out BECAUSE I SAY SO. I get stubborn like that. I seek to lift my sister but she is so heavy now. I need to see her as Light yeah?
Every day poses a new opportunity to choose and I know I am free to walk away from everything and one way or another ALL THAT IS will care for her, but as representative of ALL THAT IS in human form it comes back to me.
She is the same and is the Creator too, but she doesn't know it yet. If a demon and a bulldog had a love child, that would be her on the outside, but I know she has a Heart of goodness and she feels terrible about the situation as it has played out for me. She has been deemed unlovable by all but not by God, this I know, and as God is within me...so it plays out. As I continue to apply what I know, face and transform fear and anxiety as they arise, I have one foot in the unknown and I'm okay with that. Sure would like a break though! I figure that break will come from inside as I shift and will then be reflected outside...no division really but at this point in time I'm still in it. I'll update as I move it.
So, as wordy as all this has been, it is the short version nonetheless. Any insights welcome. Thanks. Love to you all.
Hello Dave, meant to reply for some time, but I can see already some fantastic answers by Elan Interactions and JoAnn and wasn't sure what I will be able to add to this. Somehow, this is all tied to the post that I just shared in this forum, inspired by a long comment from Elan Interactions about awareness of negativity. First and foremost, thanks so much for being so open in sharing your story with us. It is deeply personal and it must not be easy but I wish to thank you for your courage and I am certain that the conversations that ensued from it will help others as well.
I really believe that we are all at a nexus point right now, and the awareness of negativity is increasing as we expand quickly. It is happening both in our personal lives (like your story) and in the outer world, and more than ever, we are invited to remain centered and loving to ourselves unconditionally, doing what excites us the most with integrity even if our external surroundings appear to be the opposite. I feel that this is where many may drift back into old habits and patterns as it's really really hard, being empathic beings, to watch others suffer. How can we have fun and follow our joy when our neighbor is in pain? How to not feel guilt at following our excitement when someone suffers in another country of famine and war or a family member contracts a life threatening illness? Paradoxically, this is exactly the time to double-down on our excitement (with integrity) and remain centered to who we truly are.
I have pondered on this for a very long time, going so far as to work and volunteer in difficult environments watching death in real time and destruction around me. It was my own spiritual awakening that enabled me to function and find true happiness despite what I have seen and experienced.
I realized that embodying joy and happiness really made a difference to the environments I entered, and even transformed the people around me. If I became like them (depressed and angry), I was depriving them of the gift of a true example of how happiness could look like. This helped me to really reconcile 'following my excitement with integrity' whilst acknowledging the suffering of others with compassion. Otherwise the cognitive dissonance would have been too great and I would have been paralyzed by emotional pain. Following my excitement with integrity gives me the energy to build my dreams of building a social movement that brings humanity to the next level. Empathy alone does not.
I think there have been many studies of experienced meditators like Jack Kornfeld and Matthieu Richard, to examine the difference between empathy vs compassion. Empathy results in paralysis and emotional pain, whereas compassion does not. Just some breadcrumbs to follow.
Just my two cents to add to this conversation :).😉