Elan Question Opportunity
Hi Elan and everyone who is reading this, I have a question about my stomach. I want to shortly explain what I've been dealing with and how it affected me. I’ll explain it in a way so it makes sense in a linear timeline. I know that the past and future don't exist but I just want to share my experience so far.
It all started when I went to a school where I didn't really want to go. It was kind of depressing and I've never really eaten or even drink anything while I was there. I think it was because I felt uncomfortable. I don't know why. Maybe because I knew I didn't belong there? It wasn't my excitement? Well, since then I started to experience nausea in the morning when I had to go to school. In the train I was sometimes really tensed up that I couldn't relax my muscles, felt lightheaded and my heart racing. It just ended up that I quit that school and instead went somewhere else but the stomach related problems like nausea persisted. And in situations like going somewhere outside I still sometimes felt the tenseness in the muscles, the dizziness, nausea and heart racing.
Now I just feel like it became worse in a sense that I can't even eat normally because my stomach creates a lot of acid and burning sensations. I feel kind of trapped since I can't do the normal day to day things that most other people do. It is because of the nausea and burning that I feel like I can’t go anywhere or do normal stuff. It’s like I have a distorted way of thinking about food and hunger. When I’m hungry I often feel sick as well. When I think about what I should eat for the day I feel the dread in my stomach. And when I eat, I feel lightheaded and sick.
I have thought about how this serves me exactly the way it is and I always came to the conclusion that it has something to do with that I feel uncomfortable around people and that I'm worrying too much about the future and past. I don't know how accurate that is but I feel kind of overwhelmed and confused. I literally feel sick of my life. Is that the meaning of the symbol? Being sick of how my life is and who I am as a person?
Maybe to give another example of how I feel during those situations: I one time went with a friend to a restaurant but once I started eating my meal I couldn’t finish it. I started feeling sick and that nausea caused me to feel lightheaded, sweaty, heart racing and my hands always tense up so much that they curl together and I can’t really keep them open. Usually what I do in those situations is to keep focus on a specific thought.. kind of like daydreaming? I just try to not focus on my body. And I also keep breathing slowly and controlled which kind of helps but not completely. It happens often that, before I go out somewhere, the feeling in my stomach gets worse. Same as when I’m stressed out about something. To me it seems like anxiety but I’ve heard you said one time that anxiety is excitement but negatively interpreted? So, I’m not sure. I know that I struggle with unconditionally loving myself and trusting myself and being who I want to be. It just reminds me of the dream I had with you. When I walked towards you it felt so relieving and that there is a lot of trust, love and comfort. It’s weird but it showed me that I can somehow achieve that too.
It’s obvious to me what the negative sides of it are. I’ve also thought about the positives which would be that I’m much more conscious of what I eat. And.. I don’t why but since I’m eating less of the „bad“ stuff, my skin seems to have gotten better. I’ve had often itchy skin especially during summer, sport or after showering and it went down a lot. I just struggle a lot with eating enough so that my BMR is covered. Even drinking enough feels sometimes difficult. It’s not every day like that though. Currently I wanted to get more into weightlifting and bulking to gain muscles but it seems like this is not an option now even though I was excited about it.
I often times feel like I just want to stay home, do stuff that distracts me from it instead of facing it.. but I know this is not the solution and ignoring it will make it worse. But when I do face it, it becomes overwhelming. Even just typing this, knowing I’ll post this makes my stomach burn.. feels weird to share so much. One thing that I did notice though is when I’m in a very positive/happy mindset, it felt much easier to eat and.. to exist. I just want to know what this nausea and burning sensations mean and how I can transform it into something positive.
For a long time now I felt the excitement to be able to ask a question. So here I am. Even if this question won’t make it into the book.. maybe writing this question out loud in this forum will help me. In either case, I’d appreciate some clarification. Thank you. <3