This is going to be a long one, as it’s kind of a complicated story. About two years ago, I was hooking up with a girl I wasn’t very interested in. I was in a place in my life where I hadn’t learned to set boundaries, so this girl pretty much pushed herself on me and told me she was taking birth control. She was, but not properly at all, which resulted in me getting her pregnant. I wasn’t ready for a child, so I suggested that we should have an abortion since it was still early when we found out. However, she decided she wanted to keep it. I was left with the choice of either leaving her or trying to be a good person and make things work, so I decided to date her in the hope of creating a happy relationship.
Unfortunately, I felt unfulfilled, and after following my excitement for about a month, she suggested we take a break. I jumped at the chance and used it as an opportunity to break up. During this time, there was a decision to be made about custody of the child, and my mom convinced me to agree to a 50/50 arrangement, which I did hesitantly.
The day after we broke up, I met a beautiful girl from France. It felt like the stars had aligned perfectly, and we started dating. We are still in a long-distance relationship, which both of us are enjoying as we plan our future together. However, my child now comes over a few times a week. I really love her, but I feel that my energy is much more focused on the adventures of my twenties, going to France, and pursuing business opportunities. I know my child could bring excitement to my life if I really tried, but it feels like she is attached to my ex, which I don’t like thinking about. It all feels forced upon me, and I just want to be a 21-year-old and enjoy my life without this responsibility.
My ex is a great mother, and my child is very happy at home with her. However, my mom insists that I take her for my allotted time and go to court to establish my rights as a father. I really don’t feel like doing that. My heart is in France, but I worry that I would be a bad, heartless person if I just left my child behind. The truth is, she seems to be doing fine without me. I’ve been thinking about this for almost a year now and still haven’t figured it out. Any opinions would be appreciated. Thank you.
From a stranger on the internet (me), please take what is helpful and ignore the rest.
From a kindness perspective, ask yourself, What is best for my baby/child? Later on in life you will definitely want the child to know that she is loved by you, especially as she gets older, I would imagine? You don’t need to live in the same country to have that. 💕 Besides, who knows where you will be in future years. But, as any parent will tell you, a child is EXPENSIVE. Especially if you live in US (I don’t know if you do). Might it be kind to partially support your child’s needs with some of that green energy? 💕 As for your own mother, she has her own life to live. This one’s yours.
Joseph,
Thank you for reflecting this to us. For myself it led to my own reflections and definition identification, which is the opportunity of the service you provided--thank you. It also inspires me to share more openly and with more reflection on my integrity.
Reading the comments also helped me recognize more of the same. This is such a precious jewel of a community. Thank you all.
I'm pretty sure I've heard Bashar say, replying to similar questions, that a parent has no fundamental responsibility for a child other than conception and birth (this makes sense to me in a Universe based on freedom). Not that it matters who said it. The information stands on its own for you to consider... It could be that your only deal with your daughter was to bring her into the world. It could be that you two had a non-physical agreement to create exactly this scenario, as the optimal springboard for the ideal unfolding of the rest of your lives. If the child is happy with her mother, and the mother is nurturing and willing, and you are excited to live elsewhere, this seems to congregate within integrity. So... Maybe you are being the best father you can be by not being part of your daughter's life? Maybe you will focus on yourself for a while, and eventually your paths will cross again, and together you will create a relationship that flourishes on account of the previous separation? Though a year of pondering has passed (irrelevant), you are clearly not running away from the situation. You are in touch with the challenge. You are intent on the most harmonious solution for all beings included. The home run is pretty much secured.
Hi Joseph,
I usually take the backseat for questions- but I’ve gotten a great help from this community, and I cherish it deeply. I want to return the favor to you.
This, however, is not a legal advice. Take it as.. your older acquaintance giving you her 2 cents.
Firstly, being in your 20s— barely at that— is already a confusing time. You are legally an adult, but there are so many things in this world that you aren’t quite fully prepared to take on. Yet, some aspects of the society push on you to act like one already. Your current life lesson is a start of that.
And, here, with Elan’s teachings, we focus on the growth of you. Not what your ex wants of you, not what your mother wants of you, but just you. If I understood your post correctly, you didn’t want any of this from the start. Maybe that’s a strong wording, because at that time you didn’t know what all of it meant— but when your ex told you that she’s keeping the baby, you intuitively felt wrong.
Being the caring person you are, you used your logical reasoning and societal conditioning to suppress your intuition— and decided to be persuaded by your mother, who ultimately pushed you to take partial custody, because that’s more socially acceptable.
And fast forwarding to now, thinking about how it all went— It feels wrong. I’d really want you to feel that feeling. Take out all the guilt, the “should’s”, your mom’s voice in your head, the ex’s, your friends’, and all of it.
Do you want the child in your life? Yes or no?
If your immediate, gut-feeling answer is a solid NO, as hard as it may be, you must act on it. And no, trying to change your thinking process to reason yourself INTO liking this- it won’t work. Maybe, if you’ve successfully psyched yourself to embrace it all and love it— not saying it isn’t impossible— it will feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. Because that “NO” you felt, which is a part of you, will need to be recognized and expressed in some way… soon or later.
As Elan says, “how does this serve me, in the exact way it presents itself, right now?” My 2 cents would be— and strongly hoping it for you— that you’ll use this opportunity to STAY TRUE to yourself. Follow how you truly feel. Honor your feelings by act on them, however they would mean.
And, most importantly, when it’s time— take your time to grieve. Acting on how you feel, in your situation, could cause much doubt, guilt and shame, both from internal and external sources. It could feel relentless at times. When that comes, go inward… connect with the deeper you, the one that who intuitively knew it felt wrong… and trust in him.
I strongly suggest you seek out a professional therapist/psychiatrist to help you when you feel like it’s time. Our channeled entity is amazing at what he does, but sometimes you need the physical 3D support.
Before this gets too long, I’ll leave with the last thought. There are many, many ways to interpret any situations. No one way is ever “the right” way, except whether you fully resonate with it or not. If you don’t feel one way or the other, that’s the time you seek help so you can “straighten out” your thoughts and process your feelings.
Again, I hope you see this as an opportunity to strengthen the connection with yourself. Whatever you choose, you can do this. Your guides are with you at all times.
Much love to you!